i fly through storm clouds

The lost reflections of a man at sea.

2008-11-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

Once I was on a desperate ship
For many days . every day I would take my eating knife and make a carving in the wall for each day. I worked hard mopping the decks and cleaning the crew’s corters every day because I knew that when I got back on shore I would see you. I never complained, but kept a steady emotion to disguise my weakness. I held the ach, and let it drift in and out of my heart like the coming and going of the current. Each new moon making it harder and harder to feel it. it was the only thing that could wash the sting of loneliness. I had no friends aboard, but did make a good impression on my captain. He was an honest man. When I told him I counted myself as a real businessman he said he has always counted himself that kind of man as well, even though we both know he will always need to captain a ship. There were a couple women on board and I managed to only get their names and mabe where they were from but there were never any flings. Only flighting thoughts of the love that you and I shared. Most of the days the sun was steadily overhead, other days it was ieghther blistering hot, or snowing. When the snow fell for the first time I watched as it wighed down our ship to almost sinking. I even built a snow man wishing you were there. The falling ice flashed in the sun as if taking a picture of every memory on board. I caught one hoping it held reflections of you, far , far away, mabe picking up your favorite book, or laughing at your favorite joke, perhaps you were with friends, dancing in the snow, or making a snowman that reminded you of me. Perhaps you lay, smiling, with a cup of hot chocolate at your side, asleep on the couch, or mabe inteslely searching for your lost glasses as you often do. Then smiling, you find them on your head, just where you last left them. but, these tiny mirrors only held the reflection of my own face when searched for impressions. My own repulsing, wind stung, skin. The teeth, almost completely melted by salted meats and limes. My eyes, deep in the pits of my skull, sending me messages with their with their dark, oxygen depleted rings, like warning signs from a smoke signal high on the shores. My lips, white and dry, like piles of thin, dry slices of potatoes baked after a warm harvest. When I saw this reflection I hoped that the snowflake would not fly away and tell you what it had beheld.

There is a specific memory I have of visiting a port in Germany. I stepped off the ship and as I did the handkerchief you so lovingly had tied on my wrist slipped and dropped slowly into the water like the falling maple leaves do when the weather starts turning cold. I watched it sink , each needled rose bud drifting into the endless, algae infested water. I saw a flash of rainbow scales and hoped the fish would later regurgitate that beloved handkerchief on your shore. The smell of the rank sea water did not belong with the unattainable beauty of that handkerchief, or the memory of the beloved who belonged to that handkerchief. It reeked of salty death and soggy cigars. I did not deserve to be juxtaposed with the handkerchief any more than the water did; With its smooth white virgin cotton; Never before entangled with dirt or rough. Never pressed against a man’s back, dripping with sweat. It is probably better off in the belly of the fish or the endless passing of the current. It is probably at home in the turning of waves, as it was in your washroom for a time here and there to be rinsed and pressed with rose oil. First swished back and forth by a tender, light hand, in the white, steamy bubbles, then drawn out slowly and hung, dripping as if releasing a quantity of hot guilty tears.

leafs and memories

2008-10-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

stars, falling falling falling
you and me you and me
stars, falling falling falling
you and me you and me

stars, in piles piles piles
you and me you and me
stars, in piles piles piles
you and me you and me

stars, catch one catch one catch one
miss me miss me
stars, catch one catch one catch one
miss me miss me

stars, closer closer closer
you and me you and me
stars, closer closer closer
you and me you and me

stars, around around around
you and me you and me
stars, around around around
you and me you and me

When it hurts to fly

2008-02-15T02:25:00.000-08:00

although the title may seem a little emo, there is such pain in my wings right now. i know what i need to do to become happy again, but it is breaking my heart, and i cry out to Jesus, i cry out to Him to make it stop but he reaches his hand out of the poster and says "I want you". He wants all of me. for so long i had no idea what that meant. it is so clear right now. but it breaks my heart. i want it to stop, but he always answers my prayers, not always how i imagine Him to. sometimes it means that His will breaks my heart. He has a tough love. It is not wrathful to me, but extremely specific. I ask, I recieve. even if i recieve the answer in a squewed way, He does not do it to trick me. He just simply answers me. and my will often does not match His, so i am broken. I know what you want, Lord, please tell me how.

Sarah

plaster of paris

2008-02-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

sooo just enjoying the high i am getting from a mocha from starbucks, thank you starbucks for making highs posible even to the under aged. i am listening to a little Across the Universe soundtrack thanks to facebook. Its a beautiful array of heartache. thinking of the song hold me tight. i cant exactly understand chromosomes in bio right now but mabe my teacher will make it clear in class. i had work today, it was kinda hard, but i guess i liked it, and the meatball sub i had for dinner ( will probably have interresting dreams tonight). i should probably start my papers for english and bible and bio soon. mabe tomarrow, since i will have free time. although tomarrow will probably turn into art time. .... yay. so february, a time of love, hope it all works out for everybody. i hope others love you as much as you love them and stuff. also had mac n cheeze for snack tonight. wow. so much for taking care of my health. it all goes down the drain when i get my appitite back, which i missed at the beginning of the year because of stress, exc. just getting it back more because i have been doing a lot more work. anyway, love you guys, and hope your lives are as sweet as mine. truely, sometimes my life goes crappy. especially when i dwell on the past, but when i think about present and future, i feel in control and especially excited to see what God is going to have me do. i want to move mountains. and i know He can make this happen, because he has done it before. yes the devil did try to make things go bad, i could see that too now, but God has made a big impact on people's lives, and nothing is going to stop me now.

SARAH

sex, drugs, and rock and roll

2008-01-29T08:45:00.000-08:00

We talked on Tuesday about some very serious issues. I think it would be very hard after being sexually assaulted to go back to normal life. I think it is very important for me to be a good friend to anyone who comes to me with this problem. im glad to know that there are people on campus that can help us with this problem. I know it is a problem that is even on our campus, even though we have a Christian campus.

We also talked about self-image. i am very mad and heartbroken when i think about this issue because it sometimes feels that at least part of it could be prevented if people were not greedy and wanted to make money from adds for things in magazines that none of us need. i think it is important to get to know a person. that is what makes them us is how they act, what there sense of humor is about. and how comfortable they feel in their skin. I think it is important to encourage one another to get to know each other on a deep level so that we can eliminate walls between people who like different styles, and looks. its cliche to say that the only thing that matters is the personality of the person. looks do matter, but i think its more about the presentation than the actual size and figure God gave us. if we present ourselves like prostetutes and change our appearance to please people, thats just crap. Its so fun just to be myself and find people that really love me nomatter what, even if my personality sucks, there are people who still love me. its also good to know that God will still love me even if i make mistakes, and still has a plan for me :)

how my streingths can help me this semester

2008-01-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

my restorative strength I want to use to love others. I know there are a lot of broken people out there, pretty much everyone. and i want to help them heal by praying for them and listening to them. i will also use this striength to enjoy my job more which will include mostly cleaning since i am helping facilities management. I like seeing things that were really destroyed put together. i will solve problems i am having in class and make my days less stressful.
this ties into using my adaptability streighth to go with the flow even when things go wrong for me i can just laugh it off and change my schedule. with my woo i can get to know lots of different people especially when i am riding on the trolly i can sit down and get to know some one. who knows mabe i will bump into them later and be able to have a new friend. it can be kind of lonely on a new campus unless you get to know lots of people all the time. I like to stick to a main group of friends, but also branch off so that i have a lot of people to encourage.
with belief i can stand up for my friends and not let other people say mean things about them. i think that i can make a difference on this campus and i will make that happen hear and in the community. i will also learn to love lots of people, and strengthen my beliefs in God here.
if i am responsible, i will be able to help out the groups i am in and take good care of my friends while still having time for my studies. i will use it to help me keep commitments so that i can get good grades.

why it is so hard to difficult to focus on what i do well

2008-01-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

i think it is hard to focus on what i do well because everyone is trying to fix something. one of my top strengths is restorative. so naturally i am just drawn to problem solving. I am always trying to fix something I always try to be good at things that I have a hard time getting better at rather than what i am already good at. i think one of the things that I am already good at is being a teacher, and now i am finally working hard to become a teacher in school. Everyone is trying to be the best of the best because it is so hard to get a good job now, so they try to find every little flaw so that they can perfect themselves.
All of us try to be our own god at one point or another. God is perfect so in some ways we think we need to be perfect, so instead of finding what we are good at we try to be perfect in everything. I grew up in a really conservative home so I feel like i never really understood what it meant to accept free grace, so i would need to keep finding my sin out, not what pleases God, because i felt like i wouldn't even go to heaven if i didn't do the right thing all the time. I still believe we need to please God, but now its more of a joy thing, rather than something i have to do.
I think another thing that makes it hard to focus on what we are good at is our upbringing in America. In America we are always supposed to be looking for a way to accomplish our dreams no matter what it takes. sometimes this means working harder than God meant for us, and forgetting the simpler things in life. we are taught to go go go. everybody is trying to find their faults so that they can fix it, or in the case of having a sickness or learning disability, we can help others understand us better by it. somehow it takes others knowing our weaknesses for them to learn how to really love us for who we are. Knowing the strengths don't seem to be as attractive to people, as knowing our weaknesses.

taking out the garbage

2007-12-25T03:53:00.000-08:00

its four in the morning on Christmas, i went to bed fairly early last night (9) so i attribute that to why i am up right now. perhaps it is because its Christmas and i have never been able to get proper sleep on Christmas eve. I think we should name it a sleep disorder. why should i be so darn excited about getting stuff? ive never had touble sleeping before thanksgiving ( i always sleep after that holiday). seriously, i dont want to be up right now. i just sit there staring at the cieling unless i get up and start blogging about meaningless garbage. lets just say i have probably had one of the crapiest weeks ever. i have resorted to answering everyone who asks me anything, i dont feel like answering that, or i really have no freekn idea please dont ask me. a big part of my bad mood is being sick, sheesh, its just a cold but after the first two days sickness just starts to get me down. after a while i start getting mad at people for the stupidest stuff, like asking me to do the dishes is not a good idea when im in a really bad mood. just a warning. i like dishes, when im not being called a lazy tv zomby while being sick. seriously i hate watching tv. i have to get up every hour or so to walk off the nocious feeling. so please save me from television and call me. that would be nice.

2007-10-15T23:07:00.000-07:00

now i am reading Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics which is a book that Aristotle wrote for his son. It is a hard book to analyze like the teacher wants us to but it has a lot of good thoughts in it, like how if you follow your lusts against all odds it is not called courage. drunk people might seem optimistic but really they are just ignorant of whats happening. what is good is excellent like moderation and courage. what our friends do to us can be our own fault because they are a reflection of us because we influence them.

2007-10-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

currently i have been reading Plato republic for my philosophy class. it is an interesting look into a discussion of people. it reads differently than most books because the ideas are transformed by the philosophers while they discuss it. which is really the best way to be presented with philosophy. written, straight philosophy can not be explained because it needs to have a discussion to get deep enough to what they are trying to say.

Jonah and the whale

2006-10-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

The dark skies pervaded
The sin had created
A storm to top all storms
The sin he performs

The call was to go to a different place
But he didn’t like that particular race
He fled and tried another way
He knew that for this decision he would pay

It was Gods plan for him to speak
God wanted him to be humble and meek
God said feed my sheep
He said I want them to weep

On the waves the ship tossed and turned
The waves jumped and churned
The men on the ship learned of his sin
They tried to toss over him and his kin

He was sent into the waves and into the mouth of a fish
That this man was edible was the wale’s wish
For many days he was in this mouth
He didn’t know if they were going north or south

He understood that he had sinned
With God his relationship did then mend
The whale spit him out
It could have been a large trout

He then went to where the Lord wanted him to go
He would make a friend out of a foe
Telling them of God and their condemnation
This was God’s regulation

In the same way I feel called like Jonah and the whale
I don’t fully understand this path, my trail
I want to obey God’s will
I just have to wait school is forever until

Jonah and me we are one in the same
God calls us to things that we return with shame
It just seems easier to go with the flow
Until the waves and the current let us know

We cannot escape God’s divine call
And give up selfishness, to say goodbye to all
We love him so deep he loves us too
Somehow I know in the end it will be true.

summer homework

2006-09-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

sooo this weekend was awsomely full of cannons and civil war food and lincon speaches but there was one little thing that made my weekend kind of miserable. i hadnt finished my summer homework yet and school starts tuesday. ahhhhhhhhhaahahahahahahaha.

When morning comes to start my day
I feel my mind is full of an array
The colorful pages of Questions
Makes all kinds of suggestions

Do it now do it now
To do it later i make a vow
The voices cry louder still
Those are voices i long to kill

There is only one way to make them die
Is to do one or two questions to at least try
Mabe if i do just one essay the feeling will subside
The longing for fun and the need for work collide

Its summer its summer its time for fun
I have cross country i need to run
Food, im hungry, time to cook
The sky is beutiful just take one look

I look at my phon i' missed a call
My friends they want to go to the mall
Ok, i say, ill do my work later
If i dont go they will think im a traitor

Oh sarah oh sarah
You dont even care -a
All you do is homework all day
You dont ever have time to play

So i go and do as i please
I go and buy beautiful tees
I eat ice cream, i play pin ball
I go to a diffent mall, i buy a different shall

All the time i try to have fun out in the summer
All that homework just makes it a bummer
Im hoping next year i will be a doer
To my work i want to be truer

2006-08-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

yay civil war reanactment at central park is next weekend. i think i'll go sew something. yay. or write poems about it.

though the war was grim and bleek
they crossed over many a creek
they stuck guns through the brush
for breakfast they ate hard tack

the blasting guns force out the smokey powder
the hearts would stop if it was any louder
i run to mend the wounds of the fallen soldiers
i give them water and slices of pickles

i run and fall to escape the blast
i listen to it fall and wait until the sprinkling is past
my forhead drips with the beads of sweat
my sorrows are few for i am not the father of a family

i pray for a soldier who is about to die
i write a letter for him for his family , he tells them goodbye
i try to be strong but then i begin to cry
it starts sofly then i let a big sigh

i look to the fields that once were beautiful and green
the house in the south that was fit for a queen
now in all ruins, burned to the ground
the fruits rot like the men dieing left with the sound

the soil is fertilized with human blood
the cows left untended chew thier cudd
the women left with no hope for thier love
thier children look to them with trust from above

what could a lonely woman like me
what could make me sad i have nothing to be
the war gave me a perpose to tend and to care
my mother would have had me home sewing away

i tend the last man who shows life
i take for myself his pistol, his nife
i put the pistol to my head with not a hope
now its time for me to say goodbye